Often, I feel self-conscious about my story. I'm trying to help people have better relationships, but I've had so many struggles. I've been reminded that we have to be vulnerable to grow. I guess that goes for this relationship coach as well.



My relationship quickly fell apart. I ended the marriage. I was lost. And then something happened even I can’t quite believe...

I met Steven and I started down the path of learning how to create a happy, loving relationship even when I didn't have great examples. And like many people nowadays, I was skilled at doing me, but lost at being a partner.

A couple weeks after I asked for a divorce, I met Steven. Steven and I became fast friends and we spent a weekend at Yosemite National Park. I learned so much about why my relationship failed. Beyond simply being a poor match: the contempt I carried was toxic, I was starved by the lack of emotional and physical intimacy, my passive communication just slowly eroded the connection. Before I met Steven it was easy to blame her - Now it hurt to realize that my limitations made me responsible for the relationship’s failure.



I have always valued self awareness and self growth. So you can imagine that when I learned I was the cause of the failure of my marriage, this created a crisis in my life. Over the next couple years I was driven to heal and grow. First, I had to learn about what I needed as a partner. I recognized that I needed physical touch and quality time (gifts and acts of service just didn't do it for me). Although I was an avoidant in my marriage, I have the heart of a pursuer. In fact, I had given up pursuing my ex-wife and I became listless and disinterested in the marriage - I just wasn't brave enough to end the relationship. 



I had to learn to speak confidently, verbalize my appreciations, and ask for the affection I needed. As I grew, I realized that I needed to learn a healthy masculinity. I only saw the option of being either an arrogant/aggressive or weak-willed/fragile man. With this narrow view, I couldn’t be part of healthy relationships. I've learned to appreciate the meaning of being the relationship guardian as I prepared myself for my next relationship.



Somehow I’m very luckily, Steven is my friend and I had a world-class relationship expert who handed me a map for my relationship journey. It became my responsibility to move.



I know that deep human connection is at the core of what it means to live a good life. It bothers me that so many people live fearful, shallow lives. Then when they are old they look back at their life and lament not spending time with their family, pursuing their interests or dancing in the rain…



I had to learn how to date. It was terrifying! It took me a long time to be ready to try. I figured that if I didn't really understand myself, how could I honestly date anyone? As the pain slowly faded, I recognized that everyone is growing and learning. And everyone I meet will also be on their journey.

Once I started dating I realized that every person I met has stories of failed relationships. In the quiet of the night they had a fear - that they will never have the relationship that their soul craves. I spent a year dating and learning about myself. Frequently, I would mention some tidbit I learned from Steven: "Dancing is the great way for a man to get ready to be in a relationship," "Every man has to be willing to give up everything to wholly invest in a long term relationship," "After being heart-broken every woman needs to remember she is beautiful”...

After my divorce I quit counselling and traveled. I managed a disabilities services agency, I taught behavioral health at the University of Alaska and I realized that working for universities and large companies didn't feel quite right for me... I felt like I wasn't following my calling, just helping people fit into their boxes.

At both the university and businesses, part of my work was to teach. I loved seeing the the shine in a person's eyes when the learn something that is life changing. I want that.

Steven teaches therapists couples counselling using Relate’s model: 'Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy.' On occasion I'd pick up some of his skills.

I practiced being completely 'Present' during my dates and then during my romantic, social and professional relationships.  While being present I'm curious, engaged, empathic and I realized that being a great listener is a gift to any person I talked to. I made so many friends in those days. What I was doing seemed so natural to me, but others struggled to be present or complained about its scarcity so I asked Steven if I could teach people how to be 'Presence Oriented.'



There is a huge problem that people face when going to couples therapy. Individual therapy makes you a better individual and most counselors are not trained in couples therapy (or they have limited experience). Additionally, we live in a world which prefers individualism (AKA rampant narcissism).



Too frequently relationships fail because couples don't understand how to utilize therapy correctly. I know I've had the experience where I went to therapy and wondered: “Did I learn everything that I need to know?” For that matter, having strong emotions during therapy makes remembering lessons difficult.

I’m exhibit #1 - I tried to fix my relationship problems in individual therapy and then watched my marriage fail! Years later, I now know what it is like to have a deeply connected, passionate relationship. When Steven offered for me to manage Relate it was a dream come true. I want every couple to get the information they need, and to trust their process.

I remember approaching therapy with fear and uncertainty. "How will I get along with my therapist?" "Will they understand me, or am I just another number?" "Do they know what they’re doing?” (I had a couple very bad therapists).



If you have only known toxic relationships a healthy relationship will feel boring.



Before I got remarried, I was taking a road trip through the deserts of Arizona. I just left a relationship where my pursuer tendencies and her past created a toxic nightmare. I knew this meant I had more work to do. I took the opportunity to listen to an audio book and work on myself. The book was Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK." It held some good life tidbits, and to paraphrase he said "If you have only known toxic relationships, a healthy relationship will be boring." BOOM! The dam broke and the insight came pouring in.

This was just after the first significant relationship after my divorce. I unwittingly became the rescuer in my relationship and when I wasn't willing to do that role I was seen as the persecutor. I had a inner belief that relationships should be dramatic and intense. When we weren’t busy intensely cycling through persecution, rescuing, and being a victim we didn’t have a foundation to build the relationship upon.

What I didn't realize was that my expectations were creating chaos in my life. Neither my ex-wife, my ex-girlfriend or I could be happy because I was searching for the wrong thing. Once I realized this thinking error I went back to work to act and live differently.

I am grateful every day for the hard work from back then. I count my blessings that I had a background as a counselor, having a road map and heaps of good fortune that I figured it out.

My point: when things seem to be boring, I remember my history and make time for a good cuddle with my wife.



According to research less than 20% of couples are ‘Naturals’ at making their relationship work. This means that the other 80% of us have to figure it out.



My goal is to help people improve the quality of their relationships through coaching and quality referrals. Steven’s work with PORT has created a novel understanding of how a great relationship is created.

If you are willing to take the time to read my story- I doubt that you are a 'Natural.' Natural's don't need help. They had good examples and simply knew how to be in a relationship. This leaves three choices 'Divorcers,' 'Miserables,' and Relationship Champions - and we all get a choice. I'm hoping that you are working toward being a Relationship Champion - if so, let's talk.

Trying to live life without hope is nearly impossible... 



My purpose is to coach individuals and couples in distress accurate, timely, research-based information

Good relationship coaching and good information can help you:

1. Stop Fighting

2. Communicate Better

3. Grow as Individuals and as a Couple

4. Nurture Lasting Love

5. Repair after Trust Breaches

6. Have Hope

I have seen the moment when a couple puts their relationship first and they commit to growing as a couple. When they look at each other there is deep admiration and respect. There is more than love, the hard work creates a life story that's admirable. I know the pain of feeling alone. I also know the pain of helplessly watching a relationship disintegrate.

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